Being a male, I think about sex every two seconds or so. Its a bit unflattering to admit but I think thats really no secret to any female these days. A good portion of my day is spent wondering what that girl looks like without her shirt on or what a girl like that might be like in bed. I think a really good example might be that scene in Old School when Will Farrell is at the marriage counselor and is talking about finding himself wondering what sort of underwear the waitress at Olive Garden might be wearing. Are they the basic white cotton or something cool I don’t even really know about? Thats sort of what being a dude is like. Its a bit creepy but whatever.
How does this relate to this girl’s tip top decision to get a butterfly made of girls licking a dick tattooed on her back? Well, this is the exception to the way of thinking I just mentioned. Im looking at this picture and sure, from the back this girl looks pretty hot. Lets be honest, from what anyone seeing this picture can tell this girl’s butt is pretty nice. Im into it. However, the second you see that tattoo things change. All you can really think about is what kind of girl would think that tattoo was a good idea? Im thinking its obviously not the kind you want to put your dick in or anywhere near. If she’s got a dick tattooed on her, chances are she’s had her fair share of dicks in her.
I thought this is why girls have friends; so they can have that someone to talk them out of bleaching their hair or going home with that guy with the eyebrow piercing and the Mindless Self Indulgence shirt or getting a cumcatcher of two girls licking a dick with cum shooting out the end.
Observe, one of the many photographs of the “Idiot”, also know as “Homo Bardus” (Latin for Stupid Man or Slow Man), in captivity. When compared to other animals and primates, Idiots have an almost completely undeveloped brain, incapable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection or problem solving.
Bah, enough of that. Look, I can tell that somewhere along the way a girl ripped your heart out and stomped on it but Jesus Christ, man, you shouldn’t have gotten tattoos in that state. “A Perfect Woman is a Dead Woman”? Why would you ever, in any sort of state, think that was a good idea? Its like you just switched off after this break up or whatever took place and now you’re That Guy. The guy that girls fear every time they meet a new guy, because you’re the crazy fairy tale example passed on from girl to girl. Wishing death on your ex is one thing, we’ve all done that, but you’re the guy that has one bad relationship and starts talking like he’s Tom Cruise in Magnolia. Its for life and now you’re forever going to be THAT CRAZY GUY.
Now, on to what appears to be Black Widows crawling out of two vaginas on both sides of your chest. I don’t even know where to start with that but Im going to assume that that one is also a result of that same break up. I guess you’re trying to say vaginas are evil. I don’t know if I can see that though. They’re confusing, thats for sure, and that whole blood belching thing seems pretty evil but come on, man do you really just need a hug? Thats what this is about isn’t it? You and your friends are so metal you just don’t really appreciate each other. Sometimes bro’s gotta comfort each other man. Its not that weird. Seriously, lets hug now. You and me could be pals. Ill be your friend that listens when you are down and have these crazy ideas about how to get back at women for what they did to you. I mean, at least you aren’t out there slaughtering hookers or going on some murderous rampage at a girl’s college or something. We can talk this out. Tattoos are for life and you gotta think about this more.
Finally, the pentagram. I don’t have a problem with that tattoo at all really. One of the cutest girls I know of off the top of my head has a really sweet pentagram tattoo. Its metal as fuck, I can dig that. Add the baphomet on it and you’re fucking left-hand path all the way. But, whats up with the cross necklace man? I mean, thats not very metal, first of all, and secondly, its like a complete reversal of those two tattoos. You’re like Russel Brand in that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall with all the tattoos from different religions that all have conflicting beliefs. I love that movie. I love Kristen Bell. Just sayin…
Its a small picture but oh man its a huge mistake. Im a 23 year old boy that has the internet and likes girls that are into the same things as me (metal and horror films) so Ive seen a tattooed nipple or two and Ive always been a bit okay with it because I guess I figure those heart tattoos that some girls get are kind of cutesy and, well, lets be honest; boobs are fucking awesome. This, however, is pretty fucking far from cutesy or awesome. I get that you’re a rebelous soul and you pride yourself on being that girl that just doesn’t care. You’ll show your tits to anybody and why not? You’re proud of your body. The human body is beautiful. Hell, the human body when covered with tattoos is beautiful. Those things are a given. But, now, you have taken things to a point where you’ve become the girl that REALLY doesn’t care. You’ve forever changed your boobs in a way that gravity cannot. Kudos to you on that but you’ve forgotten that gravity always wins. So these stars that look hot (meh, hot if you’re into that sort of thing) or cool now are going to look like the stars Kindergarteners draw when they’re having their daily art time. Lopsided and faded and with stretchmarks from the baby you had after you got knocked up by that boy after the KMFDM concert. You have forgotten the golden rule of tattoos that this shit is for life and as that life progresses, your body will change and there is definitely not going to be a supernova in your future that would’ve at least given you the out of saying that at least a stellar explosion took place on your tits.
When you think about all the great works of literature throughout all of history, surely a ton of names come to mind. Steinbeck, Greene, O’Connor, Poe, Irving, Twain, Hemingway, Sinclair and Henry Miller are all ones I can think of off the the top of my head without any real effort. Any of them would be a good place to get an idea for a tattoo. I mean, books have the ability to touch people a way that most forms of entertainment never can. Who can blame someone for wanting a piece of their favorite literature tattooed on them for life to remind them of the way those words on paper made them feel? Its not like I have any ideas but Id definitely consider “A Good Man is Hard to Find” piece. (And before you nerds start mouthing off, there isn’t a way to underline on here as far as I know so deal with the fucking quotation marks.) It’s completely understandable, you know?
What I don’t understand though is how anyone on this earth thinks this is the kind of literature that you’d even want to admit to your closest friends you love, let alone displaying it for the entire world. Its about a vampire who doesn’t burst into flames when exposed to sunlight (the way fucking cool vampires do), he sparkles like the glitter on a stripper’s titty. I’ll never understand anyone over 16 or anyone who isn’t a Mormon liking this kind of nonsense.
Anyway, what Im trying to say is that you went out and got a tattoo to celebrate something you love and now you’re just a joke. You’re as much of a joke as the dude with the David Duke tattoo, or the Spongebob tattoo, or even the John Deere tattoo but you think because its “literature” its okay. Its not. This shit is for life and you will now be a joke to everyone (except maybe other twilight losers) for the rest of your life.
Enjoy it. You’ve earned it, dicksuck.
Listen, I get it. I really do. You’re from the lower half of the US. Maybe your dad fought in the civil war. You really have some southern pride. But be a real man. Burn a cross in someones front yard. Make some racist jokes. Don’t let your 4 year old son draw your tattoo. And I know you really wanted it in cursive, but he’s only in pre school and he won’t learn that until third grade. Look, I know you’re proud of your sons white supremacist artwork, but THIS SHIT IS FOR LIFE. Although, I think that anyone that would get a rebel flag tattoo in the first place, is probably extremely proud of it and cuts his shirts just to show it off. Congratulate little Johnny on winning the art contest of the south, you racist bastard.
Growing up, all you wanted to be was a dancer in a rap video. The sort of video where you’re wearing daisy dukes and a bikini top and soaping up a man with platinum teeth’s $200,000 car. Just shakin’ what your momma gave you, you know. You spent so long taking dance lessons to learn the basics and then practicing the real nasty shit infront of your mirror at home. That was where it happened. You discovered that you were, without a doubt, the world’s best at making your ass clap. You could move it slow and sexy or fast and dirty. You were the shit. You just knew that any time now these directors at these auditions would see the gift you had and then it was all going to be a blur of sex, drugs, and rap music. So you go into those auditions and you bring your A game. You’re right up in David Lachappelle’s face, clapping it hard and fast, but he’s just not noticing you. Its just not enough! You’re heartbroken. You’ve worked so hard on this. All those days in front of the mirror perfecting your technique, all those days at the gym, for what? Some skinny nerd to not appreciate the ass you’ve got and what you can do with it. Now you’re just a sobbing mess anytime you think about your dream. How can you ever really get their attention if your gift wasn’t enough? That’s when you first have the idea. You’ve seen it in the mirror when you’re clapping. You’ve seen that despite its “hoodrat” look, its really almost a graceful movement…almost like a butterfly flapping its wings. THATS IT, you think. You’re not going about this whole thing in a classy way. So thats when you come up with the idea. You rush to the phone right away to make an appointment at that new tattoo shop ‘round the way. This is so going to work. You just put a grand on your credit card and you can’t sit right for a few days but this is going to be your last hiccup before your life takes off.
But wait, its not because you’re fucking crazy and no one is ever going to hire you to dance in their video because that tattoo screams psycho. You just spent a $1000 to get a fucking butterfly tattooed on your ass so it looks like its flapping its wings when you’re doing the sluttiest shit ever. THAT SHIT IS FOR LIFE! YOU WILL HAVE A BUTTERFLY TATTOOED ON YOUR FAT ASS FOR LIFE! OH, HOW IT SUCKS TO BE YOU.
Every day we make decisions that will affect the rest of our lives. Depending on those decisions our lives could get better or worse. If you decide to get out of bed and go to class that day, then you’re improving your life (even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time.) If you wake up one day and decide that you want a John Deere cum catcher, however, your life probably sucks and always will suck.
I really want to believe that this girl got paid by John Deere for here free advertising but it really only took me a second to realize that this would only be an advertisement if John Deere’s target audience exhibited the sort of bravery with their dicks as Audie Murphy did on a battlefield in France.
Maybe she’s just a farm girl and her fondest memories were of those times she sat in her father’s lap with his arms grasping her tightly, on top of the tractor her family saved for years to afford. A slightly sexual experience that she would keep with her after he abandoned her mother and ultimately result in some major daddy issues once she reached adulthood and this is her big “Fuck you for not loving me” to her father.
Though, maybe, Im just overthinking this and she’s just a piece of white trash from some backwoods town in Virginia, some town that’s name definitely ends in -burg and has two stop lights and a whatabuger drive-in, and this was her way of making herself irresistable to the local boys that hang out down by the Fred’s Bait and Tackle on Main Street. No matter what her reasoning was for getting it, this shit is for life and her life will never reach its full potential because one day she decided getting a John Deere tattoo was a really fucking good idea.
via
You got a cartoon tattooed on you. Forever. You know its forever, right? I’m not going to lie, I appreciate both SpongeBob and weed an exceptional amount, but this is out of control.
I can almost hear your thought process while coming up with the idea for this: ‘Hey man, that SpongeBob is a happenin’ dude, I’d love to have a permanent reminder of this for the rest of my life. Oh shit, dude. I can get a tattoo of him, smoking a joint. Duuuuuude. That’s such a dope idea. Let me eat more of these shrooms and then I’ll drive by to TJ’s house. He just got a tattoo gun off of craigslist, I’m sure he will do it.’
I’m so glad ‘TJ’ decided to sign his artwork. Because, oh my god, how in the world would I know who to get tattooed by without his signature slapped on there.
The only people who will love this tattoo are kids and people who are really high. But once these people sober up, they will realize how much of an asshole tattoo it is. So mostly just kids.
But I’m not here to judge your pedophiliac ways, just your lame ass tattoo.
fuckyeahtattoos:
via yourmeatismine.com
So this is the first post and I like to start off strong so here we go…
Lets put aside the fact that you got a tattoo on your head/face and will never be able to get a job that doesn’t involve tattoos or getting tied to a sawhorse looking contraption and spanked by a woman in leather on film for a moment and focus on the actual tattoo. I don’t pretend to know anything about art but I have a bit of a theory on tattoos that relates to this sort of art. That theory is that if I can sit down, with a pen and paper, and draw it, its a fucking awful idea for a tattoo. Your tattoo looks like the kitchen floor in my grandmother’s house. Its even got that weird half circle mark that one of the old chairs at her kitchen table put on that floor when the leg broke because my sister was spinning around in it.
Now, its your face and your money and your decision to get that tattooed on you but before anyone gets all butthurt about this blog let me just say that if you can make all those decisions about getting something like this put on you for life you can handle us making fun of you.
